There is no use crying over a Big Mac.

A good 5 minutes passes. It’s a good job I am in this car on my own.

My face is puffy and sore and my attempt at making myself look like a normal human being is failing. I’ve heard off my best friend this Morning and my parents, even my boss has checked in, begrudgingly though – she just wants to make sure I’m not wasting her money, no compassion.

I un do my seatbelt and take  deep breath, wipe my eyes and get my shit together.

“Come on Laura you can do this” I say out loud as if pretending to psych myself up is going to make anything better.

I walk into an office building and am greeted by my pre-briefed baby sister. Prior to my arrival my boss has been on the phone with them discussing the options should I need to leave because my husband is a disgusting piece of work how behaves like a man child and thinks what he has done is acceptable behaviour.

They all know. I feel uncomfortable but it’s not too long before the young woman supporting my training makes me realise that there are some incredible human beings in the world. She links her arm in mine and tells me today will be hard, “you will be strong though” she whispers to me, “I can feel it”.

With that the day passes and I find I have barely thought about it, again I am not heartless but those of you who know me know that when I am in a bad place I throw myself into work! It’s time to leave and already I am dreading being on my own, my trainers suggest cocktails, my tummy still gurgling suggests not, maybe with some food I could give it ago? At this point anything that is going to take me away from real life would be incredible.

McDonalds is the food of choice. I think there is a pretty obvious pattern in my current eating habits here, I am extremely overweight and I hate everything about myself but even more so now because I haven’t been enough for my husband.

I stand in the queue, its rush hour. To the left of me a guy with his kids, their hair slick back and wet and their school uniform on but scruffy like they have thrown it on so quickly in the anticipation of a happy meal with a collectible toy. To the right of me a pair of two young and in love teenagers, I am so bitter right now an I can feel the tears welling.

“Order number 64”.

I sit in a booth at the back of the fast food restaurant so I can plug my headphones in and watch Netflix, there is no one around at first but I’m soon joined in my surroundings by youths and families, come on girl keep it together. I take a bite from my burger, it’s contents over flowing and the grease dripping down my hands. I check my phone.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

How can someone you thought loved you say nothing to you all day. Is he speaking to that woman? does he even care? My eyes start streaming and I cannot keep it together, I can’t see for tears, my nose is running so much I’m saturating my napkin with more that just burger grease. A young guy walks past quickly with his tray and almost has to do a double take.

“Come on love, there’s no use crying over a Big Mac”.

 

The begging begins

Fear.  A mixed feeling of dread and reverence.

Finally, my phone buzzes.

“I really am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can do right now to put things right. I was so scared I was losing you I stupidly thought sleeping with someone else would take the pressure off of you!” 

Take the pressure off me? Am I an over-inflated balloon ready to burst with the slightest of touches? What pressure? I have loved you unconditionally.

” I can’t Speak to you right now “

“I understand”

“Please don’t divorce me”

“I’m sorry I am in a real deep mess and I don’t see a way out”

That’s the thing though isn’t it. When the begging starts they tell you everything you want to here… they love you, it has always been you, they will never do it again.

I walk through the hotel lobby, its sticky garish red and blue carpets cling to the soles of my shoes. I have to snap out of it and pull focus today, I have to be strong. The night before I have been unknowingly and more than likely unintentionally guilt tripped into throwing myself into work to ‘forget’ about it – realistically if i don’t participate its money to waste and I cannot afford to pay myself.

It’s November so the real winter frost is about to set in, I have driven through an alien environment trying to use the car blowers to dry my face and find myself sat in the car park of a industrial estate reading messages and feeling the red mist descend before me, am I allowed to be this angry? Hurt? Upset?

“I have always wanted this marriage and i still do!”

” Is that why you fucked another woman and told her you were falling in love with her?!”

Reality is but a mere whisper in the distance, the inside bubble of my car is about to feel the full force of building rage.

Pinch me I must be dreaming.

I slept. To my surprise.

Maybe it was all of the tears, their salty droplets drying out my skin, making my eyes feel sore and heavy.

I’m not one of those who can’t sleep, I will sleep in most situations it can sometimes just take a while. I always thought that made me a bit odd but I think sometimes no matter how hard something is my body just tells me sleep will make it better.

I hoped in this case I was going to wake from a horrific nightmare and text him good morning like I always did if I hadn’t seen him that morning.

I hadn’t even heard from him, it’s like the last 8 years we had spent together meant nothing to him. I had heard from his mum, surprisingly even with her meddling ways throughout our entire relationship she still showed a little bit of compassion – not much, she had never been an easy person to get on with. She was almost accepting of it – not the kind of thing you expect when you’ve just told someone their son has had an affair and destroyed someone’s life but I guess you learn a lot about people when you give them news.

Trying to shower and put my makeup on was difficult. I just remember throwing my hair up and putting on a bit of mascara and attempting to draw on my eyebrows. Makeup is tricky at the best of times.

At this point I’ve called him and had no answer and sent so many messages. I do not understand… he’s had the affair … why is he ignoring me?

I pinch myself, this has got to be a dream.

That’s what friends are for.

The phone is ringing but I’m still at a loss for what to say.

Everything is such a blur, I am not even sure at this point how to tell my best friends. She’s heavily pregnant and has a life of her own, I don’t want to burden her with my issues but no one knows me quite like she does.

She answers the phone, it’s quite late but she still answers in her soothing chirpy tone that calms me the minute I hear her voice. I’m still not sure what I am about to say but I have to ask her to make sure she has time to talk. I remember saying “are you sitting down”?

What follows is a bit like a blur, the words falling out of my mouth, silence, I know instantly the confusion and pain even she is feeling not understanding how to deal with that situation.

I explain everything to her in detail, the fake dating profile, the exchange of messages and pictures, the fact he would leave me at home some nights to ‘work’ when he was really seeing her.

I explain my situation, how I feel like I just cannot leave all the while she’s begging me to come home, she knows what’s good for me but I feel nothing but guilt.

I finish our call and sit on the bed, one last phone call to my mum to hear her soothing voice before I decided to try to sleep.

I’m so thankful to have these two friends in my life, she texts me to let me know she’s there.

After all, that’s what friends are for.

Wake up Laura.

I can taste stale breath and have a burning sensation sitting in the back of my throat, my eyes bloodshot and so heavy almost dry with no tears left to cry.

There is nothing about this situation that feels real, I’m in disbelief. I’m talking but all of my words feel like lies as they roll off my tongue.

What do I do mum? I have to be on this course for work, I have to be here, it’s been paid for … I can’t leave.

It’s funny how some people when faced with the worst issues still can only see the bigger picture. I had been given an amazing opportunity to go on a course to learn and better myself, I knew I had to be there and do this but that meant being alone.

My parents are begging me to come home, they are so far away and to drop everything to drive to me is such … in my head … an impractical thing for them to do.

They want to help me so much with my decision but the only one who knows what’s right is me.

Divorce. Kick him out. But what if it’s a lie? Stop being so naive. But you love him. How could he do this to you? It’s not real … this is not real … wake up Laura.

Wake up.

Where did Laura go?

*Breathes deeply through nose* … and hold 2 3 4 … release.

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks for me. Amazing career move, house move, life completely up in the air!

I am finally back in the North where I belong, home with my family and surrounded by the ones who care. I am really hoping that over the next few weeks I will have the best support as I continue to tell my story, I promise to pick up where I left off and spare no detail or truth.

I hope my words continue to help and inspire or at least be a comfort for anyone going through the same thing.

Love Laura

How am I supposed to do this?

I recall sitting on that uncomfortable damp single bed, head in hands, in utter shock.

When you have been married and living together for several years you start to separate your family life from your married life, you discuss relationship issues less and less and things become a purely need to know and private basis, but it doesn’t matter how close you are to your family some things are too difficult to discuss.

Calling my parents to tell them the news was one of my biggest hurdles.

I am incredibly close with my parents and for that I feel so lucky and eternally grateful, I remember calling them and answering the phone how I always do however this time with panic and distress in my voice. I remember struggling to get my words out, choking as I spoke each syllable.

“He’s cheated on me mum”

Words can’t describe how long the pause between those words and my mum’s felt. Within that time I’ve already played up scenarios in my head, what if she gets angry at me? What is she says serves yourself right or I knew you shouldn’t have stayed with that boy, after all at this time I’ve not come to learn how far from my fault this whole situation is.

I wait for what feels like an eternity for a response, then I hear anger, to my relief it’s not aimed at me.

As I am recalling this I am thinking about the pain that I am in but also the pain it is inflicting on the ones I hold so dearest to my heart. I am my mother’s daughter and I am so far away from her at this moment she sounds helpless, she cannot help me other than comfort me with her words.

I try to tell her everything, I cannot get all of my words out quickly enough or in the right order I’m in that much stress, she is trying her best to comfort me over the phone.

I still can’t find it in me to tell her the whole truth, I’m still contemplating whether or not working it out with him is something I want to do.

Please, help me, how am I supposed to do this?

 

Lies, lies, lies. Part 2

I titled this section ‘Lies, lies, lies’, as at this point in my account of what happened, not only was I being grossly lied to by my husband but even I did not know how I was going to be able to tell the truth.

This thought process a person goes through when they are in both an emotionally and physically abusive relationship is intense and painful, if I tell the truth then he is the bad guy and I just look like and idiot for staying with him but I also cannot just switch off my feelings, I did love him.

It can be so difficult to pluck up the courage to tell the truth – even when you know it is the only option and the right thing to do.

Now I can admit that I am no angel, I can be difficult to live with, argumentative, stubborn and I know how to push buttons just as much as the next person but I have never laid a hand on anyone and I certainly would never dream of it.

It was after moving into our new house that the abuse started, we would argue, things would get heated and when he got to the point where he felt he could no longer win he would lash out in more ways than one.

As any person in this situation, it can be hard to see what is happening to you and try to understand it is not your fault. Blame takes many forms but you get so used to what you are experiencing that it just becomes so incredibly normal and you start to think that you must just deserve it. It makes it very easy not to tell the truth about your experience and you are always quick to provide a story – “oh I just caught the handle on the door as I walked past it” – that was the one I used to excuse the large bruise I had on my thigh from where an airborne hairbrush had hit me less than a week before our wedding.

I thought this was all my own fault and at this point deserved everything that was happening to me.

My feelings are so conflicting, I need to call someone, I cannot deal with this alone.

Lies, lies, lies. Part 1

Tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I remember sitting on the end of the tiny single bed looking at my phone in desperation, I wanted it to be a complete lie, a bad dream, a nightmare. I re-read all of the messages, I don’t understand why I put myself through this because it doesn’t make it any less painful.

I recall everything he has said to me over the phone this evening, I confronted him about the whole thing, every message and his sick use of a photo from our wedding day, if you want to pick up girls when you are a complete cheat a photograph showing you once tried to commit is surely going to get you far!

He lied to me, tried to trick me and made me feel like an idiot.

” I honestly have no idea what you are talking about I don’t know who she is or anything about this dating app.”

…

“Oh my god I actually think someone has made this account and used my email and has taken all of my photos”

At this point I actually sat and questioned myself. Am I a complete idiot? The answer for a split second was yes! I look back now on this phone conversation, hand to forehead, thinking for gods sake Laura what the hell is wrong with you!

I actually felt myself believing him, maybe he is telling the truth? You see this is the kind of mind game someone who you are convinced is in love with you can pull, they lure you in with the ‘I love you’s’ and the ‘I would never dream of hurting you’s’ but its all rubbish, they’ve been discovered, it turns out they are just willing to try anything.

I keep re-reading the messages, there is heaps of personal information passed between the two of them, the poor girl having no clue he is lying about almost everything. He discloses information about my health, talks about his sexual experiences with me and her in detail, they exchange inappropriate photographs.

One message keeps playing through my mind though…

“Because you were the first woman I genuinely trusted since my marriage ended. And you are so amazing.”

Well this was news to me.

I am not OK. Part 2

I’m shaking.

My fingers trembling and sweat dripping down my forehead.  I cannot tell if it is sickness or nerves, a healthy mixture of both I imagine that have hit me like a train making it difficult to breathe or function entirely. The more I read the worse I feel. I question my own morals – do i just ignore this and pretend this hasn’t happened, after all I love this man, I’ve given him everything and as I think about it I worry – what if he leaves me and I end up alone.

Some may stop reading at this point and think well you young lady are and idiot and at this moment writing it I would be inclined looking back on it to agree, but in the moment fear and comfort and a crazy whirlwind of other thoughts take over and being able to see clearly is an option that is very much non-existent.

Before I go any further I want to put things into some perspective, the dating app used in this incident is a partially paid dating app. In order to have access to chat to people you have to fork out a bit of money,  you are actively seeking companionship so this is not too bad especially if you are single and looking for love! It is however considered a bit shady when you are a married man of two years using a joint credit card account to purchase this ability.

On this app it requires pictures and a short description of yourself to entice others to want to talk to you. His description goes on to talk about his career, his likes, dislikes, where he has traveled and how he is looking to further that experience with someone special. Most of it is a lie, a fabrication of some semi-exciting life events and a wash up story regarding a false education.

His picture, a professionally shot perfectly angled portrait of himself. The lighting is so complimentary to his strong features and the image is black and white, his hair neatly styled, he’s dressed quite smart, appears to be a suit shirt of sorts and a nice tie. Just below his left shoulder is a gorgeous rose pinned to his shirt. He looks happy.

I look at the photo examining every inch of it, it doesn’t take more that a second for me to realize… this is a photograph from our wedding day.